2. Ugh ugh ugh.
4. What fresh hell is doing my taxes going to bring this year?
5. I have too many 1099s. Brutal.
6. What are benefits repaid to SSA?! Do I even need this form?
7. By this time next week, I will be thousands of dollars poorer. Hooray!
8. Thanks, Uncle Sam! You did this.
9. I can’t deal with it right now.
10. I mean, why should I have to pay taxes?
11. I work hard. I give to charity. Why do I have to pay so other people can get free stuff?
12. That’s it. I’m going for a walk.
13. Probably gonna get a donut.
14. I deserve to treat myself today. I’m doing my taxes, after all.
15. Just two blocks to the donut store.
16. Looks like they finally repaved the sidewalk. That’s something, at least.
17. You know, I never really thought about how the sidewalk gets paved.
18. Does someone in an office downtown just decide one day, “Hey, that sidewalk is pretty messed up” and send a bunch of construction workers to do it?
19. I guess I pay for it.
20. With my taxes. That I don’t want to do. Or pay. Or think about.
21. Glad it got done though.
22. Wow. What a beautiful day.
23. Hey, look at that mountain!
24. That’s a cool mountain.
25. I look down at my shoes so much I never noticed I lived by a mountain.
26. ‘Sup, mountain.
27. It must be part of that newly designated national forest.
28. I guess … I should also be grateful that my taxes pay for the park rangers to take care of it.
29. I mean, the mountain definitely helps property values around here.
30. And without taxpayer-funded government protection, it might be all covered in trash and scrap metal and stuff.
31. Or have its top blown off by some coal company.
32. I should hike up that mountain one day.
33. But donut first.
34. Definitely donut first.
35. What kind of donut do I want?
36. Glazed? Chocolate cake?
37. Of course, the fact that I know how to read the donut menu at all is because I was educated in public schools, which my parents’ taxes paid for.
38. Ooh, yes. Vanilla sprinkles. There it is.
39. Love a frosted donut.
40. Now that I think about it, taxes also pay for the farm subsidies that help America grow ungodly amounts of corn that becomes the corn syrup in the frosting.
41. Would this donut even exist without farm subsidies?
42. If it did, it’d be like $17, instead of $1.05.
43. Maybe that’s why there are so many frosted donuts in America.
44. I wonder what would happen if somebody punched me in the face and stole my donut?
45. I’ve never been punched before.
46. I guess it would probably hurt pretty bad.
47. And someone would call the cops.
48. Why do cops even exist? I suppose because we all pay the government once a year and a small portion of that goes to pay cops.
49. Not that, you know, cops are always 100% chill, but still. Nice to have someone to call, if you need to, when you get punched.
50. Mmmmm. Fried donut. Fried in greasy, greasy oil.
51. Come to think of it, donut shops are kind of dangerous.
52. What if all that oil caught on fire?
53. I guess the fire department would come.
54. And put it out with their tax-funded trucks and hoses.
55. Hm … guess I should probably start walking home to do my taxes after all.
56. Good thing that car stopped when I crossed the street instead of mercilessly mowing me down, as it probably would have without a tax-funded streetlight to stop it.
57. Wait a sec — I feel like … like there’s someone behind me.
58. Like, multiple people.
59. Oh, it’s a youth soccer team. Phew.
60. It’s not a horde of crazed cannibals.
61. Double phew.
62. Why aren’t there crazed cannibals around?
63. I suppose it’s because my taxes pay for food assistance so people don’t have to resort to eating human flesh.
64. And housing assistance so people don’t have to starve alone in dank, musty caves.
65. And a legal system that imposes severe penalties for killing people and cooking them.
66. It’s almost as if … there’s an entire, complex, hidden infrastructure undergirding my ability to safely get a donut that depends on me paying my taxes.
67. Which I still need to do.
68. True, there’s a lot of stuff I’d rather my taxes not pay for.
69. Like dropping bombs on random countries.
70. And a new football stadium every three years.
71. But we don’t get to pay a la carte. Otherwise, everyone would just pick and choose, and important programs that we don’t even think about wouldn’t get funding.
72. Not to mention, other people might not want to pay for the stuff that I want my taxes to go toward.
73. Like the subway so I can get places without a car.
74. And weather satellites so I know when to put on my boots before I go outside.
75. But especially this donut.
76. Millions of other Americans paid up so I could have this sweet donut.
77. Thanks, everyone!
78. You’re the best.
79. Even though taxes are something you have no choice but to pay.
80. And you’re probably more than a little pissed about having to do them right now.
81. OK, I’m home. It’s time to face the beast.
82. Weirdly, I actually feel good about paying taxes now.
83. Anything that prevents me from twisting my ankle, dying in a fire, or being eaten by a ravening horde is OK by me.
84. Ooh, and maybe I’ll get an article out of this.
85. And I can deduct that donut as a business expense.
86. Boom. Just owned taxes.
87. Definitely need another donut to celebrate.