Bow down to your new overlords, puny humans.
The octopus is coming for us.
No matter where you look, no matter how far you try and run, no matter how much you wish it weren’t true, the signs of the coming octopocalypse are everywhere. And who can blame them? We’ve been poking at these wily mini-sea monsters with sticks, shutting them inside aquarium tanks, and grilling them with slices of lemon for thousands of years.
Turnabout is fair play. Especially for a creature with a brain that not only makes it the world’s most intelligent invertebrate but, according to some measures, as smart as a golden retriever.
(OK, OK, yes. I hear your screaming, scientists. Comparing octopus intelligence to mammal intelligence is a dubious proposition, but the point is, they’re really freaking smart).
Combine that with their eight tentacles, each of which has a mind of its own (seriously), and we’re looking at a long, dark night of the soul for humanity in the not-too-distant future.
Still not convinced? Here are 13 startlingly brilliant things that octopuses appear to be able to do that no creature so goopy and gangly should be able to do.
Bear in mind: This is just what we actually know about.
1. Octopuses* can bust out of their aquarium tanks and find their way back to the ocean.
By now, you’ve probably heard the story of Inky, the New Zealand octopus that got bored sitting in an aquarium being gawked at by cranky, field-tripping children and escaped via a drainage tube that led back to the sea. It’s hard not to shake the feeling that he’s seen too much and we’re doomed.
2. They can slip their entire body through a hole the size of a medium-length hardcover novel.
Oh, you think you’ve got one over on that “helpless” octopus sliding around the deck of your boat. Uh uh, my friend. Once he finds an opening that roughly equals the lengthwise dimensions of a book that’s slightly shorter than “Freedom” but a little bit longer than “The Road,” that guy is gone like the wind.
3. Octopuses can open jars. From the inside.
No one keeps Baby in a jar.
4. Octopuses can open jars. From the outside.
However, Baby will get down with a jar to consume the poor unsuspecting creature hiding inside for dear life while holding the lid victoriously aloft like a trophy.
5. Octopuses have also been known to defend themselves with rocks.
Cephalopod intelligence researcher Jennifer Mather reports observing octopuses building stone defensive structures outside their dens to protect themselves while they sleep.
Likely, these will be the battlements humans will be storming if the forces of humanity aren’t too devastated by the initial octo-assault to counterattack.
6. They can take apart the plumbing of their own tanks, causing sweet, soggy mayhem.
It happened in Santa Monica, where an octopus commandeered a water recycling valve and proceeded to wreak havoc on the aquarium’s new eco-sensitive floor.
An innocent mistake? Or the start of a complex financial scheme that involves forcing the world’s aquariums to accrue massive debt on floor maintenance, and hm … just look who’s waiting in the wings with a line of sweet, easy credit:
A few strings attached, of course.
7. Octopuses have been seen jumping up on land to ambush unsuspecting prey.
Sure, he’s taking a risk. He definitely can’t survive up there for long. But killing is just that important to him.
8. They’ve also been known to turn out the lights for their own petty amusement.
At least, that’s what an octopus in Germany did, just to mess with aquarium employees. Once he figured out that shooting water at an overhead spotlight would cause the simple humans below to scramble around like chickens with their heads cut off, that’s exactly what he did. Again, and again, and again.
Yes, for these whimsically sadistic creatures, life is a laugh track, and we are the punchline.
9. Octopuses have been spotted making tools out of coconuts and shells.
We’ve only known they could do this for about five years. And we’ve been readying our machete and flexi-straw-based defenses ever since.
10. They can also mimic other deadly sea creatures to scare the bejeezus out of potential predators.
At least some species of octopus can camouflage themselves so well they look like poisonous fish or snakes to their enemies.
Why they would want to do this — considering that they are already terrifying octopuses — is unclear.
11. Octopuses have also been known to kill sharks.
Here, the octopus does so with a sneaky pre-emptive strike.
Aquarium employees put a shark and an octopus in the same tank. Obviously, this did not sit well with the octopus.
Octopus solution: strangle the shark in cold blood. Obviously.
12. They’ve also been known to escape their tanks to eat a fish in an adjacent tank and then return to their own tanks before anyone notices.
A number of these stories have been reported over the years (dating all the way back to the 1875), and some claim they’re apocryphal, but this particular one appears to have actually happened in Boston in the 1980s.
According to aquarium employees, a giant Pacific octopus was caught leaving its enclosure and ambling a few feet to the next tank over, enticed by a number of rare, expensive fish that had been brought in.
For a $14 appetizer, that’s really next level.
13. Octopuses have accidentally documented themselves stealing our video cameras to cover up evidence of their crimes.
We have the footage. We know what they’re up to. And yet, we’re probably powerless to prevent it.
Oh well. We’ve had a good run, humans. Nothing left to do but welcome our soon-to-be cephalopod masters.
Could be worse, I guess. All in all, they’re pretty fascinating creatures, and sharing the Earth with them is pretty awesome. Being ruled by them might not be so bad.
I just hope we taste as good with lemon!